Certain sacrifices have to be made. Afterall, it's worth it.

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Some things bugging me.
Can Structural Dynamics be completed in less than 24 hours?

By the way, what's the fundamentals of a relationship?
If your boyfriend is able to provide for you, be there 24/7 for you, does that make him an A-class boyfriend?
Is that equivalent to love?

I'm going to share something personal here. (Well, not like I don't do so anyway..haha..)

I know of couples, where the girlfriends are still pursuing in their studies when their boyfriends have already graduated and joined the work force. That would be pretty normal right, especially if the age gap is not too big. 2-3 years, it'll only be normal if one is still in the university, and the other is working. Well, in that case, I guess it's acceptable still because the guy is supposed to be "providing" and the girl is supposed to be "provided". But let's turn the tables around. What if, situation's reversed. The guy is still schooling, but the girl's already out in the working society. Does that mean the girl has to "provide" the guy in that terms? Well, I'm not even talking about the age differences. It's just a matter of one out in the society, and the other, still pretty much burried under books.

Ok, let's be more specific. So when you are in a relationship, does that mean the dominant one would be paying for everything, whilst the other would always be at the receiving end? Well, in most cases, it would always be the guys doing so, but then again, in a 'normal' relationship, things would be much easier and less complicated. To what extent should the boyfriend be providing? Wouldn't that be a risky investment, if you are someone who goes by the statistics? You are actually investing in something, without knowing the percentage of return. Well, the circumstances would change if she's your wife. In that case, like I've written before, you are bound by the legal force.

Anyway, my problem begins (actually it's not really a problem to me, but it's bugging me, for no reason..) when friends of hers kept harping on the reason why she chose to be with me. One thing that made things difficult was because it was an "abnormal" relationship, (again, wtf is with people these days..what's actually normal, you tell me?) and secondly, I'm still in University, not being able to provide and to make things worst, my University is so far away, thus lesser time spent together. So, with all these reasons they came up with, they concluded that this relationship is nothing but a mere experiment.

I can actually write a book on "What the fuck is Wrong with People?" with all these build up.

First of all, when I was told of this, the first question I would always ask, "Are they Chinese Educated?"

I am not being stereotyping, but from all these years of experience, I find that those Chinese Ed finds it hard to accept such abnormality. In fact, only last night, a friend of mine kept saying that I'm not gay, and I should turn back to being a "girl". It amuses me, really. They try so hard to shape me being a "girl" when they don't realize that I'm actually still one. I HAVE NOT UNDERGONE TRANSGENDER OPERATION, FOR GOD SAKE. I'm just comfortable in what I wear, in this case, casual. Secondly, me, being a year younger, and still studying is one of your reasons, really makes me laugh. One thing, I'm doing a degree which requires 4 years for completion. And the thing is because I'm still studying, that makes me not being able to "provide". People like these, have to understand one thing. Being in a relationship, doesn't mean you have to "provide". Typical chinese mindset. There should be a thin line, separating your assets and her assets. Who knows what's going to happen in 3-4 years' time? Let's not even go so far. You don't even know what's going to happen the following day, and you already want to talk about "providing".

And to the guy who said that I'm not even half of the person he is, I'm sorry, yes, he's right. I'm not even half of the person he is. I don't even have what he claims to be "his asset". Sorry to say, I can't even give a decent 'wedding' to whoever my life partner is going to be. But if being a relationship, means going straight to the wedding bells, sorry to say, at this age, it's too early to decide. There's more to learn in this "abnormal" relationship and one thing she has to learn is not to get affected with what people have to say about her.

People and their ungodly tongues. The only way you can control them, is by cutting them, but if there's nothing you can do, then do nothing.

It really amuses me when people say I can't provide anything. Hello, please. Look at your field, and mine. You are only going in circles. I can go out of the box.

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It's nights like these I dislike.

For 3 nights in a row, I've been rushing to finish what's not been finished, for the finals. Having a day gap would only mean adequate rest before pursuing the next subject further. But I can't do so!

Tonight's slightly awesome though. I managed to chat with Mel a little, and Joshua..and Chin Leong. So random chat list I have tonight, but yeah, you don't get that often here. I mean, I don't really get anyone to talk to me online, or maybe because I don't fancy online-chatting most of the time. Well, unless if I'm doing my work, or watching some show online, otherwise, I wouldn't like the idea of typing away on the keyboard. I'm weird in a cute way, ok? I like to multi-task. I just hope that many would talk to me, at times. Ping me sometimes. Well, to remind me that I'm still noticeable, at least.

Such an attention-seeker, I am.

I left a message on Julia's wall on facebook to me. It was so random, and to add on to the randomness, she replied saying that she had a dream about me the night before. That was very weird ok, because it has been 6 years since we last had contact with. And we aren't really close then. Only hi-bye senior and junior. That one also she can dream. Wahliao..

So now, Ariff's not replying my text. Sigh. Is that why I'm getting all excitable and not being able to sleep. Sucks. Awww!! Sucks!!

Finally decided not joining the rest to Langkawi next week. FYP's uncertain. So, making plans for her to come down to Ipoh instead. At least there's some company next weekend. Parents off to Ho Chin Minh, and the whole house to myself. I can feel a party warming up now..Lol!

Oh yeah, those who are interested in meeting her, she would be in Ipoh, next week. So, please, let me know, and we can come out yumcha! So no more excuse of me keeping her hidden in the closet, alright?

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Sigh..*folds paper planes*

It's a slow night...very slow indeed...

p/s: Remind me to make an effort to make human contact.

Do I have this frown all the time? I can't help it. I always try to pull a smile, but I can't.

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The one-week worth of "study break" was obviously not fully-utilized otherwise, I would not be struggling to complete my International Business text book now. My final paper for this subject is due tomorrow at 2.30pm, with only less than 18 hours in counting, would I be able to finish this book? I have not been sleazing in fact, I did read a few chapters when I was down in KL but sadly, with this bad memory of mine, and such low capacity I have, I can only shamefully admit that I have to re-read everything again!

Reinforced Concrete paper today. No words can describe how I feel, really. Was it tough? I wouldn't say so. In fact, it should be one of my upper hand this semester, but you screw your life when you are not focused. That's all I can say. Classes have been skipped, paper already taken. There's no point to being regretful. Just felt slightly irritated. I'm sure the outcome would have been different, if I were to be given more time. Alas, more time means more time to be wasted. Sigh. Humans, we ought to learn to be more contented.

I am blabbering. In need of a friend to talk to. It's hard to connect these days. In dire of human attention.

Looking all sweaty, because we were near the BBQ pit. Her mode of house-warming was to have a BBQ party. Well, her sister, and a few kids were simply excited with the idea. I can't remember the last time I attended a BBQ party, and seeing that I missed the recent one at Avinesh's, this is an open-hint for you guys to organize ANOTHER BBQ party and this time, I should be around! From what I gathered, this year could be the last year which everyone would be heading back the same time. Otherwise, it's graduation/convocation next year, and for all you may know, I might not even be in Malaysia! Well, slight exxageration, but who knows? Better not take the risk, eh?

I have so much to read, and here I am. Can someone tell me what's important, and what's not? I have this silly tendency to chew and gnawl on the book now.

The tomato-faced me you see, it's me, after 3 cans of beer. I get this blush very easily, and please, I wasn't drunk. People tend to misunderstand the tomato-face as being drunk already. PLease! I know when to stop if I need to. And the rest of the people you see in the picture, are her friends who came for the house-warming. Funny, entertaining friends, I would say. At times I would wonder why it's so difficult for us to get along. Is it because of the discrimination? Or is it just me being overly-sensitive?

I'm having blurry vision now. And now, back to my book, before I black out. I don't have time to black out tonight. Let me tell you what I'm reading at the moment..

"Developing effective pricing policies is a critical deter...zzzZZZZZZZZZZZ"

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Look what I found........

- Trip to Genting, 2007.

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People should learn how to give up being so discouraging, over and over again. 5 months ago, when it started, people came with their "wise" ideas, poisoning her mind, that such relationships are nothing, but mere mirages. A short-lived one, in fact. Nonsense about me not being able to provide, give whats and what-nots. I listened tentatively, agreed to some point, that I may not be able to provide certain things, yet at the same time, doubted that maybe, this relationship of such kind is indeed a mere mirage. We decided to ignore, give things a try, trying to prove the people out there, that we might be correct.
For 5 months now, I've learned enough. I am learning still. The ways to love properly. The ways to prove to the people out there, that there's really no point to hide behind the closet. I opened up. No more nonsense of being scared. No more nonsense of not owning up to who I am with. I changed. People around me saw the changes. I was happier. I am happier. I have not been so comfortable before until now.
I have friends and aquaintances around me who knew about my sexuality before. And now, it's more clearer than ever. One thing I've learned, that I need to stop taking into account of how people would view me. Too many opinions, too hard to please all of 'em. Thank goodness none come to me and say such horrendous things like, "You sure you can ah?" or "It'll not work at all.". Well, undeniable, some would try to steer me to the "right" path. Asking me straight to my face, "Your relationship can work meh?" or "You think 2 girls got future meh?" I would usually be polite by answering them nicely, with a smile.
Well, to be fair, I have my share of doubts as well. Being with a girl, is against the law, against the norm of nature, against the beliefs of my family. With all that said, such a path is difficult to take. And I'm one person who likes nothing, but going against all odds. And my boldest step was to bring her to the recently organized Prom Night. To an event where the crowd are 'straight'. To test the waters, taking a little off the limelight, giving her a chance to meet some of my friends.

I have a large group of supportive friends. They would sometimes drop a message, asking me to bring her along. They would love to meet her. And, I would hope that her friends would cut her some slack.
And to the guy who brain-lessly shared his point of views about me, please, I would love to prove you wrong.
 

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I am...
(so not used to being back here, in UTP, I mean.)

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